Alzheimer’s heartache:
young family members adjusting to a grandparent with Alzheimer’s disease.
The 7-year-old child says, "I don't want to visit Grammy anymore. She doesn't remember me and she scares me!"
This is a major dilemma for adult children whose mother or father has dementia. It's difficult for the adult to reconcile their own parent's disease progression and they have at least a basic understanding of the disease that is robbing them of their parent. Now imagine a child's inability to comprehend the disease and the fear that accompanies that lack of understanding. All the youngster knows is that Grandma isn’t her normal self when he visits and on top of that, Grandma no longer recognizes him.
Should parents force their children to visit the person whom the child has started to fear?
Forcing anyone to do anything isn't always the best strategy to follow. In these circumstances, it could almost be considered cruel. My grandparents lived in a different country than my family. My siblings and I saw our grandparents maybe six times our entire lives. Having the opportunity to live near an older relative would have been a novelty for us as we’ve always envied those who grew up with Grandma and Grandpa nearby. With that said, however, I acknowledge that close proximity alone in this situation is not a sufficient motivator.
How can grandchildren still maintain a relationship with their Grandma and Grandpa?
The distracted visit – the child visits, but does his own thing during the visit. If the parents are able to provide some sort of distracting activity while visiting Grandma, the child might get more accustomed to his grandparent's behavior; he can casually observe how mom and dad interact with Grandma while still being able to watch his favorite video or play with his hand-held electronic game. After a few distracted visits he may realize that Grandma is no longer someone to be feared and may initiate his own interaction with her. One thing is for certain – forcing the child to actively interact with the grandparent seems ill-advised. Both generations will function more comfortably within a casual, even peripheral, visit.
A parent visits without the child and provides engaging updates to their child after the visit. Parents can keep their child connected by telling him the funny/cute thing Grandma said that day when they visited and also making him aware of the positive things that are happening in Grandma's life to balance out the overwhelming negative that pervades it. Who knows, this reporting tactic might actually lead to the child's "distracted visit", discussed above, the next time a visiting opportunity arises. Curiosity may be just the ticket that gives him the desire to see Grandma.
Activities outside of the living unit. Go to a park; walk through a museum, shopping mall, or other location where there is less focused attention on the grandparent and child. Those activities provide a less threatening and less demanding experience. One might say, “Well, how personal is that, walking in a crowded mall?” I would respond that whatever allows the child to feel more normal in a far from normal situation is an option worth considering. Perhaps the play area at a mall where the child can be entertained while the grandparent and parent observe, would be an enjoyable outing for everyone concerned. You won’t know unless you try it, right?
Video calls with the grandparent. If it can be arranged, either a friend, staff member, or other family member can initiate the video call to the child who is situated at his own home. Regular phone calls aren’t nearly as engaging as video calls and for the person with dementia, having a visual makes the interaction more understandable in their minds. Listening to a disjointed voice – no face to go with that voice – oftentimes proves to be a frustrating experience for the person with dementia. These video calls, even if brief, can keep the two generations in front of each other visually and might just be another way of getting the younger person more adjusted to the differences his Grandma has undergone.
To be sure, every family’s situation is unique; what works for some, may not work for others. Trial and error will be the norm so my suggestion would be to keep at it until a palatable solution is reached. Shielding a child from the very natural aging and disease process doesn’t seem to be a suitable way to help him or her to understand the cycle of life. Healthy exposure to real life – with appropriate guidelines to suit the age of the child – seems advisable as a general rule.
May you find what works best for you and yours.
This is a major dilemma for adult children whose mother or father has dementia. It's difficult for the adult to reconcile their own parent's disease progression and they have at least a basic understanding of the disease that is robbing them of their parent. Now imagine a child's inability to comprehend the disease and the fear that accompanies that lack of understanding. All the youngster knows is that Grandma isn’t her normal self when he visits and on top of that, Grandma no longer recognizes him.
Should parents force their children to visit the person whom the child has started to fear?
Forcing anyone to do anything isn't always the best strategy to follow. In these circumstances, it could almost be considered cruel. My grandparents lived in a different country than my family. My siblings and I saw our grandparents maybe six times our entire lives. Having the opportunity to live near an older relative would have been a novelty for us as we’ve always envied those who grew up with Grandma and Grandpa nearby. With that said, however, I acknowledge that close proximity alone in this situation is not a sufficient motivator.
How can grandchildren still maintain a relationship with their Grandma and Grandpa?
The distracted visit – the child visits, but does his own thing during the visit. If the parents are able to provide some sort of distracting activity while visiting Grandma, the child might get more accustomed to his grandparent's behavior; he can casually observe how mom and dad interact with Grandma while still being able to watch his favorite video or play with his hand-held electronic game. After a few distracted visits he may realize that Grandma is no longer someone to be feared and may initiate his own interaction with her. One thing is for certain – forcing the child to actively interact with the grandparent seems ill-advised. Both generations will function more comfortably within a casual, even peripheral, visit.
A parent visits without the child and provides engaging updates to their child after the visit. Parents can keep their child connected by telling him the funny/cute thing Grandma said that day when they visited and also making him aware of the positive things that are happening in Grandma's life to balance out the overwhelming negative that pervades it. Who knows, this reporting tactic might actually lead to the child's "distracted visit", discussed above, the next time a visiting opportunity arises. Curiosity may be just the ticket that gives him the desire to see Grandma.
Activities outside of the living unit. Go to a park; walk through a museum, shopping mall, or other location where there is less focused attention on the grandparent and child. Those activities provide a less threatening and less demanding experience. One might say, “Well, how personal is that, walking in a crowded mall?” I would respond that whatever allows the child to feel more normal in a far from normal situation is an option worth considering. Perhaps the play area at a mall where the child can be entertained while the grandparent and parent observe, would be an enjoyable outing for everyone concerned. You won’t know unless you try it, right?
Video calls with the grandparent. If it can be arranged, either a friend, staff member, or other family member can initiate the video call to the child who is situated at his own home. Regular phone calls aren’t nearly as engaging as video calls and for the person with dementia, having a visual makes the interaction more understandable in their minds. Listening to a disjointed voice – no face to go with that voice – oftentimes proves to be a frustrating experience for the person with dementia. These video calls, even if brief, can keep the two generations in front of each other visually and might just be another way of getting the younger person more adjusted to the differences his Grandma has undergone.
To be sure, every family’s situation is unique; what works for some, may not work for others. Trial and error will be the norm so my suggestion would be to keep at it until a palatable solution is reached. Shielding a child from the very natural aging and disease process doesn’t seem to be a suitable way to help him or her to understand the cycle of life. Healthy exposure to real life – with appropriate guidelines to suit the age of the child – seems advisable as a general rule.
May you find what works best for you and yours.
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Irene Frances Olson
Author of Requiem for the status quo, a novel that celebrates and encourages family caregivers of those with Alzheimer’s or other dementia. You can find that book HERE. Ms. Olson is a member of AlzAuthors, www.alzauthors.com, a compendium of authors who have all been affected by Alzheimer's disease and other dementia. These authors share their experiences to bring knowledge, comfort and understanding to those on a similar journey. AlzAuthors was recently recognized as a United States tax-exempt organization. |
